hi wes. this week has been absolutely awful. a lot of things are happening right now and i don't really know how to handle it. i keep freaking out about stupid little things and I'm being the dumbest person right now and it's raining all the time which usually is really nice but right now it's not nice because I'm trying to be a happier, better person and i don't know. the weather just kind of brings me down. i feel like a lot of things are my fault. and I'm not sure how to make those feelings go away. I'm not sure how to be feeling like this and do a show and be happy and peppy and cheery and keep that up during school as well so people won't freak out and not talk to me. I've found that at school if you aren't cheery and happy, people don't want to talk to you. and they won't. and slowly you find yourself feeling smaller and smaller and it's nice, but it is also awful, because i fear that people have eventually or have already forgotten about me and its kind of a scary thought. i miss talking to you in math and hugging you in the hallways and listening to you sing or play the piano or talk, really. its weird, but i miss the way you talk and i miss the way you think about things. and its hard to try to hear your voice in my head over my parents screaming at each other. i could really use one of your hugs. or just to be able to feel your presence around. i used to feel you around me a lot and i don't anymore and that sucks really bad. i wish i could find a different way to say 'sucks really bad'. i know you could. you'd find some kind of big long word i can hardly pronounce and id laugh about it and i wish that you were here to do that.